I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
try to milk me bitch
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