I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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