Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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