So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
