I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have tasted many bathrooms
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
