Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
