you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
