I just pynch a tree in the face
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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