my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
