The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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