the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
