Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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