So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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