I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
