This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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