I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
