Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
