Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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