i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
