I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Bring me that man meat
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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