Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
