Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
