my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
