there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
