Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My dick has a subreddit
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
