i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
