saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
