i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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