Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
