I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
