wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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