who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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