Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You are the jesus of drinking
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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