I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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