i love accidental penises.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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