I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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