when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
