Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
