Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
