he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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