I'd wear matching sweaters with you
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
