Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
