I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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