Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
