My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
