He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
