There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
