Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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