Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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