I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
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Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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