Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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