Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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