Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
