If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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