TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
