You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
