: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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