I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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