I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
