i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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