if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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