This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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