I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
